Where Are You Going?

Posted on: October 2, 2014



“Hey.”

Marshall’s right eye opens to see if the voice came from his bedside or his dreams.

“Hey.”

His ear leads his eye to the privacy curtain on his right.

“Hey.”

“Hello?” Marshall answers.

“There ya are!”

“Are you sure?”

“Am I sure, what?”

“That I’m the person you’re looking for?”

“Are you the man attached to that beeping box on the other side of the curtain?”

“Yes.”

“Then you’re exactly who I’m looking for!”

Marshall’s eyebrows dive towards his nose, both eyes wide open.

“May I ask why?”

“Course ya can! As a matter of fact, I’ll see your question and raise you one of my own.”

“Which is?”

“Where are you goin’?”

“What?”

“WHERE are you goin’?”

Marshall would pinch himself, if he could move anything beneath his collarbone.

“I am afraid you are mistaken, sir. I am bound to this bed until the moment that beep becomes a prolonged shriek.”

“Then I REALLY hope you know where you’re goin’.”

Marshall’s eyes roll towards the top of their sockets, his brows unfurling like caterpillars climbing his forehead.

“Is this an afterlife conversation?”

“Yeah buddy.”

“Then leave me out of it.”

Marshall doesn’t bother to close his eyes, perfectly aware his request will go ungranted.

“Well who else am I gonna talk to about this?” the stranger asks.

“The night nurse.”

“Come on, now. You know she ain’t ready for this talk. She’s not a day over twenty-five, and fitter than a fiddler on a treadmill.”

“She’s still probably more interested in this conversation than I am?”

“How you figure?”

“That cross that’s always bouncing off her breasts.”

The stranger laughs through his nostrils like he’s stifling a cough.

“You think I’m tryin’ to evangelize you or somethin’, don’t you?”

“Would I be wrong?”

“About as wrong as it is to judge people.”

Marshall squints his eyes and purses his lips, preparing to return fire on this unwelcomed inquisition.

“So, is that a no, because what you just said sounded like scripture?”

“Yes, Mr. Beeps. Your salvation is restin’ squarely on your own two shoulders.”

“Then why did you ask me that question?”

“Curiosity, I guess. Haven’t you ever been in a airport bar, sippin’ a overpriced beer, wonderin’ where the person sittin’ next to you is headin’?

“No.”

“Then what do you do to pass time at an airport?”

“Read.”

“About what?”

“Science.”

“Like Ender’s Game?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“Text books. Research papers. NON-fiction.”

“Oh.”

Marshall contemplates giving sleep another try.

“Well hell, now I find you even more interestin’,” the stranger confesses.

Marshall exhales until his lungs are as thin as his necrotic limbs.

“Are you being serious right now?”

“As serious as whatever ailment’s got you laid up on the other side of this curtain.”

“Just my luck.”

“Guess so. Anyway, I’ll ask you again; where are you going?”

Marshall grunts, the jets of air from his nostrils tickling his chin before crashing into the lifeless terrain of his upper chest.

“NOWHERE,” he spat. “I am going nowhere; just like you, just like your ancestors, just like the dinosaurs, and just like every living organism that came before them.”

“Well now that’s just not true, Mr. Beeps.”

“Cite your source.”

“Pardon?”

“Where are you getting your information?”

“My own two eyes.”

“Are you being facetious?”

“I don’t think so?”

“Then what do you mean, your own two eyes?”

“Well, I don’t see no t-rexes walkin around.”

“All right, I apologize. I will be going somewhere. I will be going six feet below the surface of the Earth, three feet to the right of my grandfather, and several hundred feet above a bunch of dinosaurs that died thousands of years before me, just–like–you.”

Marshall counts each second of the stranger’s silence like a boxing referee determining a knockout.

“Nah,” the stranger responds.

“Yes.”

“Nah. That’s not where I’m going.”

“I hate to burst your ignorant bubble, sir, but yes it is.”

“Nah.”

“You can’t just say, nah."

“Sure I can! Just like you can say all that scientific stuff you just said.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How not?”

“Because you’re being a stubborn child. You’re just saying nah because you don’t like the answer. There’s no evidence to support it.”

“You’re right about the not liking your answer stuff, but I can tell you’re smart enough to recognize a grown man’s voice when you hear it.”

“And I can tell you are dumb enough to turn your back on the facts.”

“Now why you gotta get all mean about it? We’re just talkin’.”

“EXACTLY, and I’d rather be sleeping.”

“That’s what that hole next to your grandpappy is for. Humor me for a little longer.”

“Why don’t you humor me for once?”

“How do you suppose I do that?

“Tell me where YOU are going.”

Marshall mentally crosses his arms in total self-assurance.

“Well, to be honest, I don’t know what’ll happen to me once I die anymore than those wigglin’, screamin, and pissin’ little things in the nursery know what’s comin’ to them once they pop out of their mamas’ vaginas, but I like to hear other people’s opinions about it.”

“Well, you’ve heard mine.”

“I sure have.”

“And how do you like it?”

“I don’t.”

“Then I’m sorry for wasting your bar stool.”

“Bar stool?”

Marshall wishes he could throw his hands up in frustration.

“The airport bar metaphor.”

“Oh, right. No way, José Cuervo. You’ve been excellent company.”

“I doubt it.”

“Seems like you do that a lot.”

“Such is science.”

“I suppose so. Anyway, it looks like your plane is fixin to take off.”

Marshall notices the increasing speed of the beeps coming from his heart monitor.

“Fly safe,” says the stranger.

Marshall ignores his well wishes and focuses fully on the rhythm of his heart.

“And remember, every flight lands somewhere,”

The beeps meld into a constant squeal. Marshall squeezes his eyes shut like he’s plunging into a swimming pool. His breathing stops, the sound fades, and he wonders where he’s going.


Written by: Mark Killian
Photograph by: Jaemin Riley

A Conversation

Posted on: August 8, 2013


We both sat quietly. Our breath, labored at times, came erratically but somehow remained synchronized. We knew why we were there, but neither of us had the courage to break the silence and speak first.

I studied his face while he tried his best to avoid my eyes. His lips were thin and quivered slightly with each drag from his cigarette. His nostrils flared with every breath. His nose was crooked thanks to a break he sustained as a child. He told people it was from a fight he won at age 12; I knew it was actually from running into a sliding glass door when he was 11.

My heart stopped as his eyes came up to meet mine. Why was this so hard? We had spent so many hours together, unable to stop talking even as the bar dozed off around us. Every moment that I spent with him was full of lively conversation and just enough light-hearted banter to make it easy to consider him my best friend. Our relationship was effortless but carried so much weight, and his eyes conveyed that heaviness.

I held his gaze for a few seconds before I looked down, trying to find the bottom of my beer. We were both halfway through our second, and we didn’t seem to be coming up for air anytime soon. We needed the courage. Maybe I needed the courage.

He put out his cigarette and cleared his throat.

"So, this is awkward."

"Right? Why is this so weird? It's just us," I said, hoping this would prompt him to initiate the conversation we both desperately needed to have. I knew as I looked up at him that I had fallen for him and I could only hope that he had done the same.

I remembered meeting him two years ago. I hated him at first. He was cocky without cause, but I quickly grew to appreciate that about him. Even when I beat him in every Backgammon battle, he insisted that each victory came from beginner's luck. As infuriating as it was, we spent all of our free time forming an inseparable bond based on this silly competition. It became clear that we needed to address this once we both found ourselves out of our previous relationships.

He took a sip from his beer and let out a heavy sigh.

"The most important thing is that I don't want to lose you as a friend."

My heart stopped again, this time from the fear that he didn't want anything more than we already had. Doubt overcame every part of me and manifested itself as my mouth opened slowly and my eyes widened. He laughed at my reaction.

"That came out so poorly," he admitted, backtracking to lighten the mood a bit. "I just don’t know how to say this.”

He trailed off, leaving nothing but uncertainty between us.

I reached for one of his cigarettes and he followed suit. We didn't know what else to do in that moment to fill the silence. He lit a match and raised it to me. My cheeks flushed as we looked at each other through the flame. He looked at me the way he always did, but something felt new about his gaze.

“I want more than this,” he murmured. “I want to be more than your friend.” He paused again, struggling to find the right words.

“So, if you want to make a go of it, I’m game.”

“You really know how to woo a girl,” I said eagerly, trying to bring us back to some sense of normalcy. Smoke gathered around us and I asked the question I had been ready to ask the moment I entered the bar.

“What happens now?”

He took another drag from his cigarette and smiled his sly smile. I loved that smile.

“We just take it slow,” he said.

He was right. If we wanted to delicately transition this friendship into something more beautiful, we only needed time.

I told myself we had to take it slow, but I couldn’t resist building our life together in my head. It all worked out perfectly. We would get married and move to Omaha. We would live in a small studio while I worked as a freelance web designer and he went back to grad school. We would wait until I had established my career to have children. We would be happy and we would never fight, just like we never did now.

I tried to bury these hopes for the future and live in this moment. Whatever we build together will be perfect for us. I know it will be. It has to be.
He smiled at me again as he ran his fingers through his hair. His hand stopped at the back of his head as his forearm rested on his crown, exposing the tattoo on the back of his arm. I never really understood why he thought getting the same Viking compass as Björk would go unnoticed by our friends. It didn’t. I swore I would never let him live it down, but seeing it exposed at this moment felt comforting.

Once again, we found ourselves in a silence we didn’t quite know how to break.

“I have to go,” he uttered, his voice trembling. “I have to go before I kiss you and ruin everything.”

I knew he was right to walk away.

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything as he got out of his chair, and I couldn’t stand to watch him leave. Instead, I glanced at our glasses, two empty and two half full, and dreamed of our life together.




Photograph by: Whitney Ott
Written by: Valerie Gleason

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